Stuck

I'm not totally stuck. I'm just having a hard time figuring out what to do. It's been hard to focus on school this semester since I've been working and a good portion of my thoughts are dedicated to how my paycheck will be divided amongst the bills. This is also the semester where I repeat several classes in an attempt to raise my GPA and get off of academic probation. Why is this so difficult for me right now? Well, there's a reason why I didn't pass these classes the first time I took them. In my class about the first amendment I had a hard time focusing not only because of my personal crisis, but also because I just had a hard time paying attention in class to my professor who explained everything in detail, but was and still is incredibly boring. On top of that, whenever I did make an honest attempt at passing his exams, it seems that the things he reviewed in class and his phrasing on the actual exams were not quite the same. In my Spanish class that I am taking this semester I'm having a hard time because my instructor is not very thorough. I took this same class last semester with a different instructor and I probably would not be taking it this semester if I had known how to balance my classes with my full time job. I passed and got credit from the university, but I passed with a D and to get credit towards my major I'll need to pass it with a C. Now I have an exam tomorrow in my first amendment class and I am totally unprepared. Work has been an issue, but I'd be lying if I said that there was no possible way I could've tried to prepare for it. I could've at least read the chapter if nothing else. So, now I'm frustrated with everything, work and school, and when push comes to shove, regardless of circumstance, I have to take responsibility for my part. Yes, I went through a period of depression for several months and that impacted my education and my finances last year. I'm still seeing the effects of it a year later. This past semester was much better emotionally and I decided to work full time. I struggled through school because I would be so tired from working that I had difficulty making it to class on time. I need the money, but school comes before the job. There are plenty of other jobs just like the one I have now. They'll always be available. If I flunk out of school, there's no telling how long it would be before I got another chance to try it again. I'll be skipping my test tomorrow. However, from here on out there really are no more excuses. I absolutely have to pass all of my classes or else there is no more probation. There's suspension and possibly expulsion. That's not an option.

Making Progress

Things are looking up. I'm gathering my thoughts. Yesterday I was a little afraid that I might have to take out a loan to pay for this coming semester and that is the one thing I want to avoid. I have no intentions of paying back any money after I graduate, which hopefully will be the end of next year. Fortunately, I received the full amount for my Pell Grant and only owe $112 on my account. Grateful and relieved only scratch the surface in describing how I feel right now. I need this semester to be as stress-free as possible, so I'm glad that money won't be a problem after the disaster that was this past school year. Pray for me.

I've been scoping out a few blogs and publishers who are willing to pay a respectable price for quality material. I guess it's respectable, anyway, or at least compared to what I'm used to getting paid. I'm a little nervous, though. I'm going through that whole "What-if-they-don't-like-me?" stage fright, especially since most of them want commentaries. They want to read what I think or how I feel about any given topic and I'm not used to writing that type of thing. I'm used to writing the cut-and-dry how-to articles and informative where-to-find type pieces. I think what I need to do is take a little vacation. I plan to do just that in a couple of weeks. Oh, I'll have a few articles completed and submitted before I leave, but that'll just be the tip of the iceberg. When I come back from my little break from reality, the work begins.

Preparing My Mind...

So, I officially decided to ease my way back into freelance writing, but there are a few adjustments that I'll need to make. Organization, prioritization and non-procrastination. Which sites and ezines will I write for? When will I write? How much will I write? How will I maintain a part-time 4 to 12 (as opposed to a 9 to 5), a full-time course load at school and a freelance writing business on the side as well as a social life and church activities? How will I keep from losing my mind from stress and lack of "me-time"? That's what I am trying to figure out now. That's why I said I would "ease" back into freelancing, rather than jump in head first. Jumping in head first can be the cause of many headaches. Trust me... I know.

What to do when broke, busted and disgusted...

Am I really and truly broke, busted and disgusted? No, not really. I am a little frustrated, though, with my job. So, that leads me to some more decision-making. Do I quit my job and try to find another? Do I go back to my roots and write for a living? Up until I fell into my depression that I eventually climbed out of I had been a struggling freelance writer who had finally began seeing the fruits of her labor, averaging $12 for every hour I spent writing as opposed to the $2 for every hour when I first began. Now I have a job making a whopping $8.50 per hour. I'm not complaining because it is a steady paycheck, albeit a low one. I'm glad to even have a job since many employers are afraid to hire college students. I want to quit my job because I dislike having someone else have complete control over my schedule, but I don't want to quit because I like have the stability of a guaranteed paycheck every two weeks as long as I'm employed. There is no stability in freelance writing, or at least not really. That's mostly because left to myself I'm pretty reliable, but when life happens (as it did last summer when I fell into my depression) I tend to shut down as opposed to throw myself into hours and hours of work to drown my sorrows. For me, being depressed or overly stressed is completely counterproductive. I'm the exact opposite of a workaholic when I'm stressed. Instead, I'm unfocused and fuzzy-minded, therefore nothing gets accomplished. The good thing is that I'm not depressed anymore. After a little counseling and what I call "real-life therapy" I now feel that I can smile just because I'm happy to be alive. Now I just have to worry about paying to be alive. Cut my hours at work and freelance in my free time or dive head-first into freelancing? I suppose the former would be the smart thing to do. Ease my way out of the $8.50 and back into the freedom of freelancing.

Getting In Control

So, this semester was much better than last semester. At least, from a more optimistic perspective, I only failed one class this semester, instead of failing three like I did last semester. The bad news about that is the fact I have lost yet another scholarship and I may not receive as much financial aid as I did when I had a respectable GPA. The good news, however, is that I am still able to enroll in classes next semester and I am still eligible for financial aid, no matter how much or little I may actually receive. Now I'm just trying to regain control over my life. So far I've taken some great strides, but I still have a ways to go before I get to where I want to be. In the meantime, however, I am learning how to be content in whatever situation I am faced with and how to make the best of what I am given. The issues/concerns that I am faced with now: paying for school next semester, paying off credit card debt, saving up for a new car...money...period. Money, however, is not something worth stressing over (Neither is school, for that matter). Anyway, regardless of the situation, I believe that in the end, everything that happens is all a part of some grand scheme of sorts, and it all works together for the greater good, if one allows it.

Life As I Know It...

I've loved and had my heart broken. Last semester I failed three of my classes because I let the stress of being in love and not being loved back interfere with my school work. It's not the only reason I had such a hard time last semester since I did transfer to a school that I never really cared for. Now it is spring break and I'm still having a little trouble with school. Not because my classes are hard, but because my priorities aren't what they used to be. I'm okay, though. I'm working on getting over some of the insecurities that surfaced while I was pouring my heart out but not really getting the response I had hoped for. Now I am picking myself back up and it has been a pretty slow process. I guess, though, that anything that has a strong foundation takes time to develop. School is supposed to be pretty straight forward. No one tells you how to deal with school when life happens. Some people find their refuge in the distraction of school. For me, school just made it even worse because, as I said earlier, I am now attending a school that I really don't care for. So now what? What are my options? Well, now I have a job. It is a low-paying job, but even with my debts my purpose for working is not really for the money. When I'm not at school I'm at church. Having a job takes up the rest of my idle time, so it takes my mind off of the things that I would struggle to not dwell on. Church has become my refuge. Sunday school, Sunday morning service and Wednesday night bible study have become my opportunities to take whatever burdens I have and take them somewhere else. My church has become my home away from home. School...well...like I said, it's not as high up on my list of priorities as it once was, but I have every intention of finishing. I guess my point today is that sometimes, even with the best intentions and the most well-laid out plans, things can still go down the toilet. However, it is when things go down the toilet that you have to find a way to pick yourself up and come up with something else. Realize that the plans you make are tentative and subject to change. Then you move forward and learn to not be a fool by making the same mistakes twice.

The Summer So Far

I've been out of school for a little over a month now. Finding away from home was quite a disappointing experience, however, I'm finding ways to keep the money flowing. Paid surveys and freelance writing are a girl's best friends right now. I'm also transferring schools and making my life a lot more pleasurable. Trying not to stress over finances at home is a job by itself, but I'm making it.